John and Lucy came to see me and chose to sit across the room from one another instead of sharing the couch. It was clear they needed some space from one another. Their distress was easy to see, as they moved sharply and sat down hard in their places. I had never met them before, but their energy felt familiar. Arms and legs crossed, leaning away from one another, their faces were both hardened with resolve and vulnerable with childlike hurts; tears just waiting to fall. Most of us have been there at some time or another. Whatever it was that was happening for them seemed to be more than they were able to sort out. I could see their words waiting to jump out like a bull waiting to run into the ring. So, rather than asking my series of first session opening questions, I simply reached my hands out and gently invited whomever wanted to speak first.
“So, how can I help…?”
Lucy spoke first, “He never listens to me! I might as well be talking to myself.” “Lu, that is just not true. I listen all the time; I even repeat back everything you say, so you know I heard your words. And there are sooo many words!” John said as he looked at me, exasperated, and then fell back into his chair. Lucy responded, “Just because you parrot my words back doesn’t mean you get what I am saying. Most of the time that just makes it worse.” “Geez, I give up! This is too hard.” John blurted. Lucy sighed hard and then started to cry. Emotions were high and pretty tender, so I breathed in a slow deep breath and then out with a silent intention of Peace. They both looked at me a little confused. Then, I asked them each if they would take a slow breath in and out at their own pace, and they did. Things shifted ever so slightly. John looked at me and said, “I didn’t mean I am giving up on us, just on this whole ‘needing to be a perfect listener’ thing.” I nodded and gestured towards Lucy, so he would continue saying what he was saying to her. “I really try my best, and it just never seems good enough.” She was looking down and nodded slightly. It was silent for a few moments. “You are really good at some things, Johnny,” she said with a half smile, wiping the tear off her cheek.
Notice What’s Going Right?
“This is good”, I said. “Let’s talk about what is good with you, what is going right for you both.” For all but the last 10 minutes of the counseling session, we discussed as many things that were working well between them as we could fit. I wrote them down on a large sheet of paper. Though they started slowly, they gained momentum, and the mood in the room changed from doom and gloom to “Hey, we’ve got it going on!” in fairly short order. Then, in the last 10 minutes, we revisited the original issue. I told them that nearly everyone struggles with communication and asked them if they would like to become experts at communicating with one another. They were game, and we set the next session’s intention to begin the process. I gave them homework to continue to find more instances of what is working in their relationship and to add to the running list they started in session. I also told them that if something isn’t quite working, if at all possible, to table it until we saw each other next, so we could use it for material for the communication process. They agreed and left. As they turned the corner to go to the parking lot, I saw Lucy lace her fingers into John’s, and they leaned in to each other as they walked to their car. Good start.
New Lens, Different Perspective
Many of us, myself included, tend to look first at what is wrong in a situation or relationship that is troubling to us. Going down that investigative road of all that is not working can lead us to feel that there is little hope. What if, instead of identifying what is wrong with a troublesome relationship or situation, we look first for what is right with it, what is working. It is this different lens that gives us new perspectives and possible solutions to make things better.
Find Solutions
Looking for what is right and good in a difficult situation doesn’t mean that you do not consider what is wrong. It means that when you find what is working well and focus on amplifying that, it opens your mind more readily to access solutions and resources to fix what is not going right.