We never really know what another person is thinking or feeling, and therefore cannot always know the right thing to say or do when things become difficult or heated. Our natural instinct is to protect ourselves via the fight or flight response. But since we are much more than pure instinct, we can take a moment and assess the situation before acting.
Many years ago, we had neighbors who were alternately very generous and kind, and then out of the blue, vicious and attacking with their words. Case in point…One day when I was relaxing at home, the doorbell rang. I looked through the peephole to see my neighbor standing outside. I opened the door with a smile, thinking that she was there for a short friendly visit. Instead, I was immediately greeted by a loud and attacking tirade, the likes of which I was not prepared. She seemed to be foaming at the mouth, for as she yelled, spit came flying towards me and her index finger poked me in the chest. I was shocked and felt a rush of adrenaline surge through my veins, getting me ready to defend myself. My first instinct was to angrily yell, “How dare you?” and tell her to get off my front porch and go home. I felt panicked about what might happen next if both of us reached fever pitch, so instead I paused and took a shallow, but necessary breath, while I assessed the situation.
She was obviously upset, but I did not know why, so I listened. Within her angry string of words, I found that it was about my son and her son playing nerf baseball in our yard. One of them had hit the nerf ball over the fence, and it hit one of the windows of her house. The nerf ball wouldn’t have hurt the window, but the thought of a potentially broken window sent her through the roof.
From life stories she had shared with me during prior heart-to-heart conversations, I knew she suffered with some emotional issues; I could tell her tirade was historical, not really meant for me. In that moment, she was fighting for survival, though she didn’t need to be. The nerf ball hitting her window had startled something inside her and had opened a door to another time for her. As I stood there, barraged by her fear and anger, I calmed myself in order to best handle the situation. The following 3 easy-to-remember guidelines helped me immensely, and they can help you too, if you are ever faced with an emotionally charged situation.
First, Do No Harm
If you can take a deep breath and decide that your goal in a heated exchange is to first and foremost do no harm with words or actions, it allows you to access more resources. In the situation with my neighbor, I chose not to take action or say much until she calmed down. I did step out onto the porch and close the door behind me as a way to protect my home. I instinctively knew she would not hurt me physically, and I sought not to add to the problem by getting defensive. So I moved slowly and kept eye contact with her, so she would know that I was listening. When I took a momentary step back in my mind, I saw a young child fighting to be heard and sticking up for herself against a perceived danger. She was having an emotional meltdown on my front doorstep, and I didn’t want her to suffer from anything I said or did. I really hated what she was doing, but I could easily find love and mercy for her, knowing what I knew about her struggles. So, I chose to stand with her and do no harm.
Treat Others as You Would Want to Be Treated
Most of us have been upset to some extent like my neighbor was that day, when fear takes over and our defensive coping mechanisms step up to the plate. As she yelled, I tried to think about a time when I had been that upset and asked myself what I needed at that time. I wanted to treat her in the same way I had wanted to be treated when I was so upset and out of sorts. What I remembered is that I wanted to be validated.
I knew the window had not been broken, so I said something like, “Wow, that must have startled you when the ball hit the window. Were you sitting right near it? I know the last thing anyone wants is a broken window.” That began to slow the runaway train of her fear ever so slightly, but she forcefully added, “I have some irreplaceable collectables, family heirlooms, right near the window, and they could have been destroyed.” “How scary; did anything break?” I asked. “No! But they could have.” She was still breathing fast and her eyes were darting around in high alert surveillance mode. I asked how I could help, and she said I could tell my son to stop playing around so close to her window. “Done,” I said.
Sidebar: Being justice oriented, I had a running commentary of counter attacks in my mind, like: “It was your son who hit the ball that hit your window.” However, I knew it would only add fuel to an already out of control fire, so I stayed present and focused on her.
Treat Others As They Would Want to Be Treated
Everybody wants to be treated with respect; that’s a given. However, how to show that respect and regard in the way a particular person wants to receive it is the true test of quality communication. With my neighbor, I was not completely sure how to reach her. What I did know, however, was that she hated to look or feel foolish, so I sought to resolve the situation in a way that would help her to save face as much as possible, while at the same time not allowing her to run over me or my family.
It is a delicate balance to be present for someone when they are angry and out of sorts, while still maintaining your own ground. It is well worth it to make a supreme effort not to take things personally (I say this to myself all the time) and to listen beyond the words. We all have hurts and issues that take over at times, and there is nothing like a calm, kind, and merciful voice to help us to find our balance again. Let us be that kind and comforting voice for one another as much as possible. If you or someone you know suffers greatly with fear, anger, or trauma, please know that you never have to go it alone. You can always seek out the calming and kind expert listening of a licensed counselor. We are here for you. Check out www.psychologytoday.com to find a therapist in your area.