Abigail had a succession of really bad days in which people either directly insulted her, pushed past her without noticing she was there, or blamed her for things she had nothing to do with. At first angry, she grappled with why people treated her this way. Feeling emotionally pummeled, she wondered if she was responsible for the mistreatment she was given; if somehow she had a part in it. Have you ever felt this way?
There is, of course, a saying that “we teach others how to treat us,” and there is some measure of truth to that. However, it is not a universal, be-all and end-all truth. I don’t advocate blaming oneself for someone else’s missteps, nor do I subscribe to allowing oneself to feel like a victim. Sometimes people just misbehave and treat others poorly for their own reasons. It can be an unintentional and unconscious byproduct of someone who is unaware of how he is feeling; he can leak his hurt all over the place. Other times, it may be a calculated attempt to regain lost power. We are all capable of being both sides of this equation. The real strength and freedom comes from knowing this about ourselves.
Compassionate Awareness of Our Vulnerabilities
At one time or another, we’ve all been on one side or the other of a difficult relationship and experienced a hurt that stung like lemon juice on a paper cut. These times inevitably arise, but there is a way to be prepared to either minimize or eliminate the sting.
Being compassionately aware of our own vulnerabilities helps us to stay on our side of the fence, intentional about not inflicting our frustrations or pain on others. It also gives us the ability to ward off those who seek to use our pain for their gain.
Sorting Out What’s Mine and What’s Not
Personal story: I know this guy, George, who I see very rarely, but when I do, he inevitably says something that would highly insult anyone. On the top on his list is: “Wow, you got fat!” Now, to be honest, he is right about that; it is something I struggle with all the time. The first time he said it to me, I felt like I had been hit by lightning, and I could hardly breathe, much less respond. As tough as it is to be around him, he has been one of my greatest teachers in regards to sorting out what is mine and what is not. Because he is so outrageous and obvious, though there may be some truth in his rude remark, it is clearer to me that the insult and all the pain it could inflict belongs to him, not to me. Since that time, I have become Teflon when it comes to his rudeness. When I see him making his way to me, I whisper to myself, “In coming!” Then, when he delivers his despicable remark, I respond with a chuckle, saying, “And there it is… HA!”
I know what my vulnerabilities are, and so does he. He is a keen observer of other people’s vulnerabilities, and he uses them as a means to steal their energy to make himself feel bigger. When I am around people like this, I can almost see the unauthorized exchange of energy in full living color. He leaves a trail of drained and depleted people in his wake, but not me, not anymore. The difference in our interaction now is that I am compassionate and accountable to myself, and his vote doesn’t count. He is who he is, and I take extra special care in preparing myself when I know I will bump into him. Surprisingly, I am grateful to him for his bigger than life insults because I have learned how to manage people who do similar things, without getting hurt and without hurting them.
Adjust Your Life Lens to See What Is Right About the World
Especially after dealings with people like George and after days like Abigail had, the world can seem unfriendly and even scary sometimes. Our moods, as well as our feelings of safety and wellbeing, can be seriously hampered, not only by insensitive individuals, but also by accessibility to technology and all that entails. We’ve been inundated and hypnotized by the emergency news updates that suddenly break into our favorite shows with alarming background music to get our attention. It plants the unspoken suggestion that people and events are mostly bad and scary. This is only because “bad and scary” sells. They make blockbuster movies about it, but it is not the whole story. This repetitive bad news cycle can sensitize us to look for what’s wrong with the world and in ourselves. But the proven truth is that there are exponentially more wonderfully fine people, kind and selfless acts, and over all goodness in the world than anything else. It isn’t covered as much because it just doesn’t draw media ratings.
For our own sakes, we need to be keen observers, adjusting our lens to focus on what is right and good with the world around us, and even more importantly inside of us. When we take the time to explore and heal our hurts and disappointments, we can reframe them as knowledge and wisdom that both protect us and genuinely connect us to the people in our lives.