As we talk about tending our relationship fences, we are discussing more than building boundaries for others to consider when involving themselves in our lives. Just as importantly, we must remember to respect the fences of those who allow us to be involved in their lives.
With each life experience, we develop the lens through which we see the world. It is perfectly normal to judge the world based upon those experiences. For example, if we touched a hot log from a fire when we were children and burned our hands, it is a perfectly normal reaction to explain the risks of fire as you see someone reaching toward it in a future scenario. However, there are often many variables to consider before rushing to share the interpretation of the situation as you see it through your lens.
Where There Is Smoke, There Is Fire … Right?
In my book, Tending Fences, two of the parables seem particularly intertwined. In the first story, a fire claims the home of the lead character, Avery Soul’s dear friends and neighbors, the Dearones. While the neighbors all celebrated the miracle that no one was hurt, witnessing the fire first hand was rather traumatic for Avery.
Some time later, Avery was enjoying a day on his ranch when he smelled fire once again. Having recently experienced the loss of the Dearone’s home, Avery rushes to the fire hydrant he had installed near his property fences. As he saw smoke rising from the fields of his friend, Ben Ther, Avery jumped into action, leaping over his neighbor’s fence and drenching the field in water to extinguish the fire.
However, this time, the fire was a controlled burn. Ben Ther was monitoring the fire, ensuring it was safe and burning only the areas that would turn to rich and fertile soil for his next round of planting. Because Avery jumped to conclusions about the smoke being dangerous, he failed to analyze the situation based upon the current reality for Ben Ther. Albeit with good intentions, Avery judged the situation through his own life lens and invaded his neighbor’s space. He jumped the fence without being invited, and, in the end, without understanding the situation at all.
Respecting Others’ Fences
Just as we desire to have our boundaries respected by others, we must respect the boundaries others set for us. By respecting the fences that each of the individuals in your life have crafted and tailored for your unique relationship, you are communicating that you respect them. Each time you rush to action or judgment and leap over the boundaries they have set, you are inviting them to reevaluate the effectiveness of their fence. In truth, you are inviting them to fortify their fence to make it more difficult to breach.
When taking stock of the key relationships in your life, ask yourself whether you are respecting their boundaries, just as they should be respecting yours.