The holiday season is upon us 
and with it comes parties and gatherings. Some look forward to spending time with friends and family, while others dread it. The conversations and dynamics at these gatherings can either make or break what could be a lovely memory. When everyone is seen and heard and the conversations are appropriate for the time, place and people, it can really help to make the season bright. When visiting with family members, friends, or coworkers during holiday gatherings, it can make all the difference in the world if we follow these conversation do’s:
Talk less, listen more. This is the best one line guide for excellent communication in any setting, and it is particularly great for holiday gatherings. It is my primary note to myself in the work I do with my clients, as well as in general conversations, though often I fail and do the opposite. It is more a work in progress, something to aspire to.
Keep it short, unless invited to go on. I’ve made the mistake before of thinking that when a person asks me a question such as “How’s your work going?” that they really want to know. So I’ve told them in more detail than I should have. One time a person asked me that question and when I finished my 3-minute answer, he flatly stated, “I was just making small talk. I really don’t need the details.” Was my face red?!
New rule: test the waters when answering a general question. Offer the Reader’s Digest version first and if they ask for more information you can offer more. Otherwise, leave it there.
Strive for reciprocal conversation, everyone matters. Etiquette invites us to talk then listen, talk then listen, etc. making an effort to leave room for each person to have the floor some of the time. It sounds rudimentary to think of it in this template way, but it makes a difference for all in attendance to have the opportunity to take part in conversation without having to wrestle someone to the ground for the metaphorical mic. Some people have the gift of easily talking off the top of their heads, while others take time to process through what they want to say. In great conversations the easy talkers and the thoughtful talkers figure out a way for each person to have a voice.
Seek to bring out the best in each person with whom you speak. Listen with genuine curiosity and look for a kernel of greatness in what they are saying. Then ask a few interesting follow up questions so they feel heard and understood.
Know and Read your audience. This is key in any situation. When preparing to attend a gathering it is good to ask yourself what stories, jokes or information would be relevant and appropriate for the crowd you are about to join. It matters. Not every group is interested in your childhood stories, but others might hang on your every word. Not every group will appreciate your style of jokes, while others will spur you on to tell yet another. Some gatherings of people enjoy quiet and meaningful conversations, while others like pulsing music and clanking glasses along with laughter and quick, loud conversation. It is wise to know the energy of a group along with the intention of the gathering so you can adjust your topics and delivery.
Have a few conversation starters in your pocket. “So, you come here often?” or “What’s your sign?” are not the best conversation starters these days. A few more current and useful icebreakers include:
How’s your favorite team doing? Any big shake-ups in the lineup?
What music are you listening to these days? I’m looking to expand my Pandora’s list, any ideas?
What are you reading these days?
Have you seen any great movies lately? Are you planning on seeing the new Star Wars movie?
Are you working on any projects these days?
If they have kids, you can ask what they are up to.
If you know they love their work, you can ask how that is going.
If they live in an interesting place, you can ask them how they like it there.
The key to great conversation is to meet people where they are and find common ground. Knowing a few do’s and don’ts can make that easier. Stay tuned tomorrow for a nifty list of conversation don’ts to round out your party chatting skills.