Lately, I have talked with several people who are worrying out loud about their holiday gatherings, dreading the difficult dynamics and wishing it was already over. The holidays, for all of their hopeful preparation and sparkle, can come apart at the seams very quickly when difficult people do what they do. We all know some variations of people who can strike a bit of dread into the holiday experience. To not only survive the holidays, but enjoy them as well, try these 6 tips to managing difficult people and problematic situations, while bringing out the best in yourself and those around you:
1.) Check your expectations at the door. Many of us have visions of the way we wish the holidays could go, with everyone enjoying one another and love all around. But these visions are sometimes toppled by difficult people who might have their own agendas, or who bring a certain heaviness with them energy wise. Though we wish we could have it the way we want it to be, the truth is life is a moving target; sometimes it turns out better than we thought it would and other times it doesn’t.
Our greatest power for joy lies in creating change within ourselves. Though we could delve into the motives of difficult people, and the insight might prove interesting, the fact is they are who they are and we cannot change them. Not only is it not our job, but trying to change them can hurt you and them. While considering the upcoming holiday gatherings, it’s a good idea to take a personal inventory to make sure you aren’t someone else’s difficult person. If in all honesty you suspect you are, make a few minor adjustments and promise yourself you will give your best this year.
2.) Be aware and prepare. It is crucial to be compassionately aware of your own vulnerabilities when facing mean-spirited people or confusing situations. Knowing and owning your vulnerabilities gives you the opportunity to decide how you want to address or deflect intentional insults or make decisions when faced with perplexity. Mean-spirited people often seek to gain power with well-placed insults, and they aim to make others feel small so they can feel big. If you already lovingly understand and own whatever vulnerabilities or sensitivities you might have, you’ll be much more comfortable in your own skin, and able to respond with humorous candor to eliminate the chances of feeling stung. Self-awareness and self-acceptance are the two strongest weapons against bullies and energy drains.
It is important to note that, though it is good to protect yourself from difficult people, the truth is there are exponentially more kind-hearted, well-meaning people than difficult ones. Make it your aim to spend time with positive energy people as much as possible. You will always find kindness if you are looking for it. And even more, you can decide ahead of time to be a force of kindness when you go to holiday gatherings. It changes everything.
3.) Tend your fences. During the holidays we will find ourselves around our people in a more concentrated way. In the best relationships and especially in the most troublesome ones, having healthy relationship fences is the key to personal peace and well being. Each of your relationships has its own unique fence. When you feel respected and safe with someone, your fence is simple and provides a place for you to connect. When you feel drained, hurt, or generally not safe with a person in your life, your fence needs to be higher and stronger to protect you. When you are around a person with whom you are a little too bossy or controlling, you need to build your fence stronger to remind yourself to stay on your side, out of respect for them.
4.) Take a little time to mentally rehearse. For the week leading up to your holiday gathering, take a few minutes each day to picture the people you will be seeing and decide what sort of fence you want to create in order to bring out the best in your yourself and them. Get creative when designing the best fence for each relationship, noting whether your fence is meant to provide a connection or there to protect you. When you take even a little time to mentally prepare, you can imagine potential problematic situations or difficult dynamics and visualize yourself handling them all like a pro, with grace and respect.
5.) Look for what is good. Focus on all that is going right with you and the people in your life, and revel in that, rather than dwelling on what gets you down. As the saying goes…Where we look, we go… so look to what will warm your heart and bring light and love as much as possible.
6.) Consider what you can bring to the party. What joy, fun, intrigue, warmth or goodness can you offer and give freely to the party? Holiday gatherings are not just about the food, decorations, presents, and holiday outfits. The gifts of humor, kindness, connection, and generosity of heart and mind are what make it a time to remember.
May love and goodness surround you and radiate from you during this Christmas season.