The secret to a loving and peaceful existence is good fences, healthy boundaries that say, “This is me. That is you. And we both matter.” Every person is unique and has his or her own set of experiences that have contributed to who they are. Ideally, when it comes to healthy relationships, it is a two-way street, where both people give and receive in order to grow and be their best. But sometimes the process breaks down and we can become imposing, needy, overwhelmed, drained, and unable to be there for others. It happens, and it is human.
Know What Matters Most
It’s a funny thing that we are with ourselves 24/7 and yet we can feel like strangers to ourselves at times. Though some people seem to be born with a clear sense of themselves, most of us unfold slowly but surely, learning and grappling all the way. It is so important to focus on building a strong foundation on what matters to you above all else. Starting with your own heart as home base, take the time to know what matters to you, clarify your wants and needs, and know what works best for you. Then take notice of what matters to others; walk in their shoes for a minute, and look through their eyes to discover what they think, want, and need. First, listen to your own inner voice, and then listen well to others.
One of the easiest ways to discover what matters most to you is to imagine for a moment that you have lost all that is dear to you. Then imagine that you are granted a wish to bring back the 10 people or things that matter most. Who or what you choose clearly signifies the people and things you value most. As much as possible, work to build your life around around that.
Sometimes We Can Impose
Often without knowing it, we can impose our opinions, views, and values on others in a way that disrespects them. Disagreement is not disrespect; it is just a difference of opinion. But when you cross the line and impose on another by means of force or arrogance, it harms both you and the receiver, and can destroy the relationship. Conversely, when you listen without judgment to another, even if you don’t agree with them, it promotes a sense of dignity for both of you. Mutual respect is the gift that arises when you can share your thoughts and beliefs while leaving room for others’ points of view.
It is good to stand up for what you believe; if not for the courageous people who do so on a regular basis, we would not have the ever growing, deeper understanding and respect for diversity that we have now. And in individual relationships, whether partners or spouses, parent and child, siblings or friends, the greatest gift we can give to one another is a promise to stay on our own side of the fence, honoring boundaries of body, mind, heart and soul.
Sometimes We Need Help
It is human to need one another, and it often makes us feel so vulnerable to ask for what we need. Some people use guilt, bullying, or manipulation to get what they think they need, leaving the givers drained. However, most people ask for and offer support when the need arises in a recipricol and mutually supportive way. If someone helps you when you are in need, then when you are able, turn around and help someone else. That way, you preserve a personal balance and add to the valuable practice of kindness. Pay it forward.
Sometimes We Need Time to Ourselves
Quiet solitude can be good for the soul; especially in this fast moving, loud, and amazing world in which we live. Taking time alone to gather yourself and deepen your body-mind-soul connection is as important to your health as food and water. When you take time to reboot, you bless yourself and those around you, as you become more centered, calm, and present. When you or someone you know chooses to take some quiet time, honor it and know that in the long run it is good for all.
Sometimes We Can Step Up and Be There
You may not always be able to answer the call to support or help, but when you have the energy, intention, and ability to step up, you can make a big difference for someone else, sometimes even save a life. For the openhearted givers out there, if you are not able to step up because you’re overloaded and you just don’t have it in you, don’t worry, don’t fret, and don’t resent the asker. Just say, “I can’t help at this time.” And know that when the time comes that you can, you will.
We Are Always the Remedy
In the news lately, there have been a number of senseless tragedies and natural disasters. Sometimes hearing about it, or even worse suffering from it first hand, can really affect you and make you think that everything is falling apart. But it’s not true. We can change the effect that it has on us by taking a message from nature. In the pristine rain forests, where there is a poisonous plant, there is always a plant nearby that holds the antidote to that poison. So it is with people and tragedy; whether global or personal, the remedy is always nearby. We can all be part of the healing process from loss and fear to wellbeing by making it a habit to do at least one act of true kindness every single day. The best thing about the richness of diversity and uniqueness of humankind is that we truly are the remedy for one another. We just need to know that. Where there is sadness and tragedy, there is always the potential for healing nearby. Even the smallest of intentional acts of kindness can be the antidote to suffering.