When Helping Hurts…
“Help Vigils” Can Be Harmful
Dear Avery,
I have a friend who dismisses and discounts most everything I say these days and it is really getting to me. It started suddenly several months ago after years of what I thought was mutual respect. I’m not sure what to do- I miss the friendship we used to have and I am holding out hope that it will return. Though the way things are going now, I dread being around her for fear of getting hurt.
The fence of our friendship has changed many times throughout the years, most often when my friend would build it higher and hide for stretches of time, when things were falling apart in her life. Through that time I waited near the fence in case she needed me, and she’d meet me there occasionally, coming and going with little warning. Even still, I’ve faithfully stayed at the fence ready to help. As I write this to you, Avery, I am beginning to realize that I have been a bit of a schlump, just waiting around to help. I don’t like the way this feels. I’m confused and upset about how it is right now. What can I do to make it better?
Signed,
Confused and Upset
Dear Confused and Upset, or should I say Good Heart gone awry,
I am so sorry that you are experiencing this, I have to admit that I have been there. Even though it hurt at the time, I count it as one of the greatest lessons I have learned in my life, and I feel certain that in time you may well agree. It is so understandable that you are feeling upset since this friendship seems to have changed before you had the chance to see it coming. It is clear that something about the fence you have shared with this friend is not quite working. Let’s take a look.
I have been where you are, waiting vigilantly to help, thinking I was being a good friend. But through the years I have learned that true friendship is being there for my friends when I can be and in a way that I able at the time, and not about waiting there for them to need me. I have come to know that without meaning to, vigilantly waiting to be needed can under mind a friend’s confidence, and that is not optimal for a good friendship. As often happens when people close to us need to individuate– move away from our help to find their own strength–it can be bumpy and hurtful. Sometimes the very best thing to do is to take a step back and leave room, trusting that they can figure things out on their own.
Looking at the connection that belongs to the two of you, we know that you can only change what is on your side of the fence to make it better. Here’s something I did and it might work for you too…I painted a beautiful sign that read, “Go live your life!”, and I fixed it to my side of the fence to remind me not to hold a “help vigil”. The sign is a clear message to me that investing in living my own life is the key to happiness, and that being there to help when I can is an undeniable part of my life. There is a difference, though, between being available to help when you are able, and being a chronic “helper”. One is loving, and the other can drain both you and the person you help.
So, my sweet and sincere, good-hearted soul, remember that when tending your fences, “help vigils” can be harmful. Go live your life!
With love and understanding,
Avery Soul